Miss Universe Is the Weirdest Thing You'll See All Week

None of us actually watch the Miss Universe pageant, do we? I don’t. But I opened Twitter this morning, and the videos that greeted me had me scratching my head wondering: what is this bizarre display of weirdness and why is it part of a beauty contest? Is it a prank? A hoax? A troll? A joke?

But it’s real!

The Miss Universe pageant—which proclaims to find the most beautiful woman in the entire universe every year, but only has contestants from planet Earth (disappointing)—has incorporated some kind of “dress like your country took a hit of acid and hired RuPaul to make your outfit” event. Maybe it’s because it’s being held in New Orleans. Is it “dress like a parade float”? I don’t know.

What even is this?

She’s an aerospace engineering student, so this is really neat. C’mon Puerto Rico! 😍🇵🇷 #MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/UsFVKNXK0A

— ♡ (@ashleyblossoms_) January 12, 2023

WINNERS

Some of them were better than others. This girl looks like Wonder Woman.

The RED and GOLD is amazing! WOW. ❤️ ⭐️ Tune in NOW to the 71st #MISSUNIVERSE Preliminary Competition airing LIVE on the official YouTube channel. pic.twitter.com/Podxqq2rjQ

— Miss Universe (@MissUniverse) January 12, 2023

Miss Nepal Stunned as Kali

Nepal, the endangered #Hindurashtra that always takes pride in its culture and traditions. This won my heart ❤️ #MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/35mSIGzmS3

— TrueLibra__🇮🇳 (@libra31023) January 13, 2023

Russian Royalty

The red silk is SERVING right now! ❤️✨
Tune in NOW to the 71st #MISSUNIVERSE Preliminary Competition airing LIVE on the official YouTube channel. pic.twitter.com/xVjJqgfGu9

— Miss Universe (@MissUniverse) January 12, 2023

Are You Not Entertained?

Miss Trinidad & Tobago Tya Jane Ramey & Miss Jamaica Toshami Calvin representing their islands last night in New Orleans.#MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/duLfjzuw1z

— Sound Chat Radio (@IrishandChin) January 12, 2023

Glamorous Fish Wife?

I have to admit this is beautiful in a “went a little nuts with a Bedazzler” kind of way.

The details in this costume are stunning. ✨💙#MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/1NkN7VHlq7

— Miss Universe (@MissUniverse) January 12, 2023

Um. What?

But others were less than impressive. Miss Ukraine was really playing it up with the whole Angel of War theme (eyeZroll). I’m surprised she didn’t stab Miss Russia with that sword.

Ukraine is SLAYING on stage, along with her beautiful feathered wings. What an inspiration to all. 💙 #MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/bP3LA4gDsx

— Miss Universe (@MissUniverse) January 12, 2023

Some of Them Looked Like Victoria’s Secret Runway Costumes

Y finalmente, Alessia Rovegno en el national costume, diseñado por Beto Pinedo 🇵🇪. #MissUniverse #MissUniverse2023 pic.twitter.com/4HnTibpT1f

— daisyflower at midnight (@daaisyfloweer_) January 12, 2023

What in the Hell Is This? I Can’t Even Guess

El Salvador 🇸🇻 is the #bitcoin standard #MissElSalvador #MissUniverse #btc pic.twitter.com/Xzf7BdhCRB

— Morpheus⚡️ (@morpheus_btc) January 12, 2023

Is That a Cappuccino on Her Back?

Cameroon walking the stage with her costume focusing on agricultural movement! WHAT A BEAUTY! #MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/7sefZt3ft2

— Miss Universe (@MissUniverse) January 12, 2023

Do They Feel Even a Little Dumb Doing This?

Miss Brasil as a mermaid, she understood the assignment 🧜🏼‍♀️ #MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/WXf3btBfLh

— mari (@iyigecceler) January 12, 2023

INDONESIA is rocking it on the stage. 😱 #MissUniverse pic.twitter.com/vyiW0blXQt

— Miss Universe (@MissUniverse) January 12, 2023

Redefining “Ugly American”

But the real WTF moment came when Miss USA hobbled out on stage looking like she was going to topple over at any second. Attached to her, weirdly, was the moon. Apparently, someone making these costumes thinks America owns the moon. That’s… hilarious. But beyond the obvious insult this outfit is broadcasting — Suck it, universe! The moon is ours! — this getup is so clunky that it looks like the moon’s axis is up her backside. And speaking of her backside, why is it bare? I didn’t see anyone else with her fanny hanging out. It does feel like America leads the world in clownery.