Don’t ask any questions about how I acquired the unedited transcript of Joe Biden’s phone call to Donald Trump. All you need to know is that I’m a close, personal friend of Hunter Biden, we were having fun (sniff, sniff), and the president is pretty careless with his documents. So, without further ado…
TRUMP: Hello?
BIDEN: [indistinguishable muttering]
TRUMP: Is that you, Joe?
BIDEN: [indistinguishable muttering]
TRUMP: Turn the phone around, Joe. You’re talking into the wrong end again.
BIDEN: H… Hello…?
TRUMP: Hi, Joe.
BIDEN: Where am I? Why did you call me?!
TRUMP: I didn’t call you, Joe. You called me.
BIDEN: Oh, that’s right. I get confused sometimes, Darrel.
TRUMP: It’s Donald. But that’s fine. What can I do for you, Joe?
BIDEN: Congratulations on winning the election, Darrel. I’m so proud of you. If you were here, I’d give you two pieces of Werther’s Original, a moon pie, and a shiny nickel.
TRUMP: Well, I couldn’t have done it without you, that’s for sure.
BIDEN: You’ll love being president, Darrel. In fact, the best part of my day is when they wake me up in the morning and I find out I’m the president. It’s a wonderful surprise!
TRUMP: I was president before, Joe. I still remember what it’s like.
BIDEN: That’s right, I forgot. Anyway, what were we talking about again?
TRUMP: You were congratulating me. Because I was just elected president, remember?
BIDEN: Right! What a wacky election! Kamala got 15 million fewer votes than I got in 2020. I wonder where all those voters went?
TRUMP: No kidding. Fifteen million is an awfully big number, Joe. In 2020, America’s population was 329.5 million. Today it’s 335.9 million. How the hell can there be 6 million more people, yet 15+ million fewer voters?
BIDEN: Hahaha! Yeah, we totally made up those votes in 2020. They were all fake! HAHAHAHA!! But whatever you do, don’t tell Trump!
TRUMP: Hmm.
BIDEN: Honestly, I’m kinda glad you won, Darrel. Kamala stabbed me in the back and won’t let me smell her hair anymore. Everyone thought she’d do better than me! Well, I certainly won that argument.
TRUMP: Indeed you did. I appreciate your candor, Joe. By the way, your “garbage” line in the final week of the campaign? Brilliant! I can’t thank you enough.
BIDEN: Aw, it was my pleasure. Heheheh, her people were SO angry! They wanted to wring my neck! But all I need to do is wave my arms around and act confused, and nobody holds me accountable anymore: “Gosh, guys! I called them GARBAGE? I… I just don’t remember that. Are you sure it was ME? Hey… Who are you, and where are my pants?!”
TRUMP: Wow. I’m glad you’re enjoying the upside of senility.
BIDEN: It’s wonderful! I’m always meeting new people. Such as the senators, congressmen, and members of my cabinet.
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TRUMP: Listen, Joe —
BIDEN: Hey, I have a favor to ask: Can I stay in the White House? Jill put parental controls on the TV in Delaware. Now I can’t watch anything good. Besides, I don’t wanna go — Delaware sucks! I like it here.
TRUMP: I’m sorry, Joe. But that’s not going to work.
BIDEN: Well, can you at least give Hunter a job? He’d be a fantastic drug czar. He’s determined to get all the cocaine off the streets, one line at a time.
TRUMP: No, I can’t do that, Joe. But here’s what I will do: I’ll buy one of his hideous, overpriced paintings.
BIDEN: Woohoo! Score! Hahaha, can you believe people actually buy that stuff?
TRUMP: Joe, I’m grateful for your time, but we should end this call. I’ve got a lot to do.
BIDEN: [indistinguishable muttering]
TRUMP: Sigh… You’re still speaking into the wrong end, Joe.
BIDEN: Heheh, I get confused sometimes. Yesterday, I got The Button confused with the flushing switch for my potty, so I kept hitting The Button over and over again, getting angry cuz the toilet wouldn’t flush! Can you beat that? Fortunately, The Button they gave me came from Tonka. But they’ll probably give you the real one.
TRUMP: Terrific. Anyway, thanks for the call, Joe.
BIDEN: [indistinguishable muttering]
---End of Transcript---
