The easiest way to be brilliant at PR is to have a superstar client with a legitimately newsworthy story. It’s great: Everyone returns your calls! The media throws itself at you! You get invited to all the best parties! Your feet only touch red carpet!
The world is your oyster!
Which is way better than the world being your clam. Sure, you’re “happy as a clam” — but clams (probably) have a massive inferiority complex since they can’t make pearls. Oysters, I assume, are happier than clams. (Richer, too.) But on the other hand, if there are “Pearly Gates” in Heaven, and if pearls are a byproduct of an irritated oyster, then maybe human Heaven is oyster Hell? And how come we sell oyster crackers separately from animal crackers? I demand answers! (There’s a small chance I’m overthinking this.)
Anyway, if you do PR in the private sector, sooner or later you’ll have to collaborate with government bureaucrats. The enormity of government is so vast and all-encompassing; if you do PR long enough, it’s inevitable that you’ll need to jump through government hoops before you can proceed with a project or announcement.
It’s almost always an awful experience.
In the private sector, everyone’s incentivized to move quickly: Seize the moment before it’s gone! After all, companies that lollygag go bankrupt. It accustoms you to a certain speed, tempo, and professionalism.
But in the government sector, the opposite is true: When you go fast, you get in trouble. Instead of rewarding initiative and ingenuity, you’re punished for them. If your primary objective is to protect your job and get your full retirement benefits, the safest, easiest path for a bureaucrat is to find a reason to say no.
So everything takes longer.
Worst of all are the long-term bureaucrats. Government employees who’ve had the same job for decades will make you wanna headbutt a brick wall: They’ve mastered the art of saying no. They’re impossibly risk-averse. They’ve dedicated their existence to doing the least amount possible.
That's because in their world, the squeaky wheel doesn’t get the grease — it gets replaced.
These twin factors help explain why Republicans struggle so much at PR.
If you’re a liberal, you always have the institutional advantage: It’s like being the publicist of a superstar client. You’re the 500-pound gorilla who gets first dibs on everything. Journalists will make more concessions and mask your shortcomings.
In President George H. W. Bush’s autobiography, “Looking Forward,” he recounted an anecdote where he solicited the opinion of fellow Texas politician Lyndon B. Johnson. At the time, Bush was a young congressman; he was considering running for Senate.
Even though they were from different parties, Johnson told Bush exactly what he thought: The difference between the Senate and the House, LBJ told Bush, was the difference between “chicken salad and chicken s**t.”
It's the same with conservative PR versus liberal PR: Your job is a lot easier when you’re chicken salad! Instead of being adversaries, the media is your collaborating partner.
The other big reason, however, is that Republican bureaucrats are still bureaucrats. Just because they were hired by GOP operatives doesn’t mean they’re smart and capable. Some are, of course: There are always good apples.
But the Deep State bureaucracy doesn’t reward speed and creative thinking. More often than not, you get in trouble for it. And so, creative, outside-the-box thinkers are demoralized and leave.
They join the private sector and never look back.
This means that the government bureaucrats that remain — Republicans or otherwise — face little opposition: “This is simply how we do things here. If you don’t like it, go get a job elsewhere.”
And so the problem compounds.
This is the part of the PR problem that receives minimal coverage from conservative outlets: Everyone loves to talk about media bias. We gleefully point fingers and expose its lies and falsehoods. But honestly, that’s just one-half of the GOP’s PR problem.
The other half is internal.
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