On the Ides of January, the shrunken head that used to be Joe Biden addressed the American people for the very last time.
(We hope.)
The same steely-eyed leader who still insists he could deftly serve another four years (and surely would’ve bested Trump!) struggled through his speech, mangling words and swallowing syllables with Hawk Tuah-level proficiency. Even the 2017 Atlanta Falcons were like, “Bro, that’s a weak way to finish.”
But it was a predictable performance. From beginning to end, it was unequivocally Bidenesque, perfectly encapsulating the Man Who Knew Too Little. Almost immediately, Smokin’ Joe did exactly what you knew he’d do.
First, he boasted about the Hamas-Israel ceasefire, dislocating his shoulder patting himself on the back. It wasn’t subtle; he would’ve crawled over fields of broken glass to claim credit. Still, I’m very happy those hostages will finally be freed. (As for the hundreds of evil, murderous terrorists that Israel must now release in return, I had a thought: If they don’t have TVs in Israeli prisons, maybe those scumbags haven’t been watching the news and don’t know about Hezbollah. So, maybe Israel gives the terrorists some free beepers?)
In an unintentionally revealing moment, Biden admitted that this ceasefire agreement was the same one he proposed many, many months ago:
Today, after eight months of nonstop negotiations, my administration, by my administration, a ceasefire and a hostage deal has been reached. The elements of which I laid out in great detail in May of this year. This plan was developed and negotiated by my team and it will be largely implemented by the incoming administration.
Okay, so Biden’s proposal hadn’t changed. Israel is still the same. Hamas are still the same loveable hamassholes. The only thing that’s changed is the next president: Trump gets to green-light missile strikes in five days. Doesn’t it kinda seem like there’s a causal relationship between Trump’s return to D.C. and the sudden desperation of terrorists to avoid a drone-date and a dirt-nap?
But hey, maybe that’s just a silly coincidence. Maybe Biden is just so tough, he wore ‘em down. Yeah, that must be it.
The rest of the speech was vintage Joe: Plenty of self-aggrandizing nonsense, some assorted gibberish, and an absolutely astounding absence of shame.
Only Joe Biden would demand in his farewell address that we “show the courage to stand up to the abuse of power” one month after he pardons his kid!
That’s chutzpah on steroids.
There was more: A clever D.C. speechwriter remembered Ike’s farewell remarks about the “military industrial complex” and juxtaposed them with today’s Big Tech. Biden called it the “tech industrial complex” — kind of. If you go by the transcripts, that’s what he called it, and I gotta give the speechwriter props: That’s a good line and a cool phrase.
It has legit propaganda potential.
But unfortunately, Biden is such an inarticulate communicator, he was difficult to understand. He garbled the line. The speechwriter gave him gold, and he trashed it.
Biden also whined about social media “giving up on fact checking.” Well, the “fact checkers” were working for Big Tech! They were the ones censoring speech and hiding information from the public. Seems contradictory to warn of the “tech industrial complex” being too powerful, but then complain that it needs to be more intrusive and restrictive.
As he stumbled, bumbled, and fumbled through his finale, most Americans felt a combination of emotions. First was a very real sense of sadness, and I’m not being facetious. Witnessing the president’s deterioration and diminishment was sad.
We all grow old. We all die.
But second, there was a profound sense of release: Whew! We made it through! We survived!
Sure, the East Coast might be invaded by drones. And okay, the West Coast’s on fire. But finally, we can close the page of the Biden presidency.
At long last, our favorite moment of the Biden presidency has finally arrived: The end.
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