Florida Man Friday: Here's the Best Reason Never to Do Fentanyl

Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the dirtiest grandpa, golf cart mayhem, and how not to join the mile-high club.

Let us begin as we always do with...

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man who stashed fentanyl in patrol car, his anus, sentenced to 7 years

Whatever else you might say about Florida Man, anyone who can smile like that for their mugshot after police pulled an ounce or two of fentanyl out of his anus has certainly figured out his role in life. 

The arrest took place in February when police were searching Florida Man's home for drugs — the story doesn't say why, but your guess is probably pretty close — while he was already on probation for (drumroll, please) drugs.

And did they ever find some.

"Once at the jail, a cavity search was being conducted when a chunk of purple powder fell out of his anus," deputies announced at the time. "That powder was confirmed to be fentanyl."

He'd stashed even more fentanyl under the seat of the patrol car during his arrest, which also seems to have come from his anus. I mean, not originally. I assume it came from some drug factory in Mexico. But Florida Man's anus seems to have been the fentanyl's most recent location before he tried hiding it in the police car.

So much anus fentanyl spilled that the cruiser was out of action for three months.

Folks, this is why you should never do fentanyl because you have no idea where that fentanyl has been.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Houdini, Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.

TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.

Glazed and Confused

Exploding toilet at a Dunkin’ store in Florida left a customer filthy and injured

Florida Man is suing Dunkin' for $100,000 after an exploding toilet at an Orlando location left him "filthy and injured."

"After the explosion left [Florida Man] covered in human feces, urine and debris," the AP reported, "he walked out of the men’s room seeking help from workers and the store’s manager."

Are you sure you don't want to add another zero or two to that suit, sir?

The complaint also says Florida Man has required mental health treatment following the incident — and I believe him. If I had to walk through a Dunkin' covered in human waste, I'd be smoking anus fentanyl right now. 

Employees admitted that they knew about a "problem with the toilet" but swore it had never exploded before.

SCORE: I don't know how to score this one so I'm just awarding three points for Sheer Awfulness.

RUNNING TOTAL: 7 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: Underappreciated Albums: 'Sinatra & Swingin' Brass'

That's No Way to Join a Club

You know what I hate?

I hate it when I'm getting ready to see Florida for the first time and it's also my first time ever on an airplane so I'm real nervous but this airport bar has these giant bloody marys that they'll even put an extra shot of Tito's in for just a few bucks more and the bartender is all like "Bobby, you can't have four double bloody marys at nine in the morning when you didn't even finish those beer nuts" and I'm like "Fine so just let me finish my third one in peace and tell me again where that gate is at" and a few minutes later I finally get to the right gate after a couple of tries because that third bloody is really kicking in and then I get on the plan and those space waitresses are pretty hot and I'm thinking I'm really gonna fly the friendly skies today so I ask one if she wants to join the mile high club if you know what I mean but she's not game so I pull that other space waitress on my lap and ask her but she said no even though she's not the hot one so then I'm asking how I can get in the cockput — the cockpit, get it? — only nobody thinks that's funny and then we finally get to Florida but all I get to see is a courtroom and this stupid jail cell.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Drugs/Alcohol, Humiliated by Press Release.

RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Next invasive species in Florida could be crab-eating monkey

Who had "Invasive Crab-Eating Monkeys" on their 2024 Things We're Supposed to Worry about Bingo card?

Knock on Wood

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Holden McGroyn."

"Holden Mc... OH MY GOD, GRANDPA!"

According to reports, 78-year-old Florida Man felt it necessary to knock on the neighbor's window to draw their attention to the fact that he was masturbating at it. I'm thinking if he'd have just given it enough time, they eventually couldn't help but notice the elderly man, pantsless and masturbating at their window. Then again, it's impossible to say, at his age, how long he might be good for.

The Realtor had promised the buyers a view, but they'd been hoping for the beach or sunsets or something like that.

From the police report: "The victim was able to observe the subject’s penis as well as able to identify the color of his pubic hair, stating that it was dark brown."

Just for Men? He'll never tell. He'll show, of course, but never tell.

Florida Man did, however, admit to police that he does this kind of thing "for gratification," which I suppose is a step up from the usual justification of doing stuff "for the children."

SCORE: Public Nudity, the Elderly, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points. 

P.S. Is that a knockout performance of "Knock On Wood" by Michael McDonald and Phoebe Snow, or what?

Electric Vehicles for Dummies

Golf cart wrecks and fires rampant across Florida: ‘Housewives getting drunk and crashing’

The New York Post wrapped up 2023 with a look back at Florida's profound safety issues with electric vehicles.

Specifically, golf carts.

“We see it all now,” said one veteran emergency worker in The Villages.

“You have housewives getting drunk at lunch and getting into their carts and crashing. 

“You have kids doing donuts and flipping over. Carts catching fire sometimes. Most people are responsible. But a hell of a lot of people aren’t.”

Worse — or at least somewhat less entertaining — "entire homes have gone up in flames within minutes" from owners attempting to charge their golf carts indoors. It's very complicated, you see, involving a plug and, um, being indoors."

People, including children, are getting injured and even severe burns due to the state's infatuation with these electric-powered death traps. 

“A lot of little towns are passing laws to make their downtowns golf cart-accessible,” attorney Frank Butler, who specializes in golf cart cases (!!!), told the Post. “I don’t think the risks are fully appreciated. We’re seeing an increase in accidents and crashes across the board.”

America is clearly not ready for electric vehicles. We should be strictly limiting their use to licensed professionals with years of training.

SCORE: Golf, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, plus a bonus point for the lawyer who specializes in golf cart cases.

RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Florida Grinch Who Saved Christmas

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 18 points for a low average of just 3.6. But you know what? Despite the lower scores, we still got an exploding toilet, anus fentanyl, and grandpa waving his penis at strangers. 

The part of me that will always be a 14-year-old boy is wrapping up this FMF completely entertained.

Meanwhile, in Alabama...

Nude man nabbed by police after ‘cannonball’ plunge into giant aquarium at Bass Pro Shop

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

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