Florida Man Friday: The Naked Truth About the Naked Arsonist

The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)

I can't believe the Daily Caller beat me to this one but you know I'll have way more fun with it than those dweebs ever could.

The police are human beings and make mistakes just like everybody else. That's why we have such strict rules about warrants, habeas corpus, Miranda warnings, trial by jury, and all the rest.

So while it's a pretty sure thing that the naked lady they just arrested for setting a church on fire is actually the naked lady who set the church on fire, the police still must follow all the rules. Evidence must be collected, its chain protected, the suspect Mirandized, and all the rest.

We have this little thing called presumption of innocence.

But leave it to Florida Woman to take that presumption and shove it up Lady Justice's butt by setting another small fire, this time in the back of the patrol car the police had stuck her in. 

At least she was dressed for her mugshot.

According to the report, police believe the naked woman "may have had a lighter hidden on her where police wouldn’t find it," which doesn't leave a whole lot of places.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Crime of the Century, Caught on Video, Public Nudity, Glamor Mugshot, You Hid It WHERE?

TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.

Don't Make Me Tap the Sign

Beef jerky, pistachios land Florida Man behind bars

Going to jail for shoplifting pistachios is embarrassing enough. I'm pretty sure tradition dictates anyone who does that gets the not-so-honorary title, "Sweetheart of the Cellblock."

Going to jail for shoplifting after stopping to read the sign in the convenience store with a police cruiser on it that reads, "Free ride if you shoplift from this store" takes a special kind of Florida Man.

Employees at the Love's saw the whole thing and tried to stop the thief but he took off running for his getaway vehicle — and it wasn't quite the Batmobile. It was the Lowe's box truck he was assigned to drive. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd didn't make it clear exactly how Florida Man was caught but he did say that Love's got their beef jerky back.

I'd have kept it as, uh, evidence. 

SCORE: Caught on Video, Convenience Store, Fleeing, Instant Karma, Glamor Mugshot (he looks like he just came back from the fighting in Ukraine).

RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points. 

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Rikki Don't Abuse That Number

Florida Man threatened to ‘behead’ 911 dispatchers and ‘execute’ the sheriff, deputies say

I got fooled by the headline on this one. Maybe you did, too.

I assumed that Florida Man was out somewhere, on something, and doing illegal things. Then when police came to arrest him, he cooperated fully while politely telling police, "I’m going to light you on fire because I’m a cop b****,” and “I’m going to kill you if you come near me."

But no. It's worse.

Florida Man was at home and calling 911 because, I don't know, maybe he'd watched all of Netflix already.

"I want them beheaded. You are dead if you come near me," he said during his second call. “This is not a threat. It’s a fact.”

"I am going to commit arson on Bill Prummell," the local sheriff, threatened Florida Man. That seems an unwise thing to say on a recorded call. “Are you afraid to shoot me, arrest me, or execute me?” he asked.

Not at all! Florida Man was arrested and nobody got lit on fire, executed, or beheaded. He denied making any threats and claimed he'd only called 911 to inquire about legal service which, to be fair, he'll surely need.

SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man arrested for having Trump-shaped ecstasy pills

They were beautiful tabs. The best-looking tabs anyone has ever seen.

Finally, a Stolen Ambulance Story for 2024

Florida Man steals EMS truck before crash, arrested days later while trying to flee

You know what I hate?

Sometimes you gotta get somewhere real fast and don't ask where I'm going or why because I am way too busy to explain the complicated nature of my hectic lifestyle so you steal this truck that looks like it might be real fast and sure enough you are just blazing along I-4 but then you get in this wreck and you totally don't have time for anything like that but then an ambulance shows up but you're not that hurt so as soon as the EMT gets out of the ambulance you jump in and you take off because you got places to be and then you sideswipe some other car but pretty soon you've lost the cops and right when you're celebrating that you get in another crash so you figure you really don't need to be anywhere that bad or that fast and a couple days later you're hanging out with your buddy who has all these warrants out on him so when the police pull him over they recognize you so you take off running but they catch you and now you're sitting in jail and going nowhere fast.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing, Recidivism, Crime Spree, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, Face/Neck Tattoos.

That's a record-tying eight points for one story!

RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points. 

Florida Woman Flashback!

'My Strange Addiction:' Florida woman marries a carnival ride

Sometimes an older Florida story comes across my desk but since I try to bring you only the hottest and freshest stories, I give them a quick smile and then close the tab.

But not this time.

I was today years old when I learned that in 2016, Florida Woman married a 70-foot tall SkyDiver carnival ride named Bruce.

"You actually get to feel the experience of what Bruce does and what a SkyDiver really is, and there's no other ride that duplicates the sensation of a SkyDiver," Florida Woman said on a 2019 episode of a TV show called "My Strange Addiction" that should probably be killed with fire right after we take off and nuke TikTok's servers from orbit. 

Florida Woman identifies as "Objectum-sexual," which the Yahoo story says means she has "an orientation to love objects," but really means she's very confused about her own biology.

I should also mention that Bruce is not a fully functional carnival ride and, at the time the story was published, Florida Woman had already spent $90,000 on repairs. It seems cruel to remind her that men who aren't quite performing can get an inexpensive prescription. 

SCORE: Likely Story, Theme Park, Went Viral, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: How to Go Back to Jail with This One Weird Stabbing Trick

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 25 points for a damn fine average of five FMF points per story — for the second week in a row. 

That's never happened before. Well done, everybody. Good effort this week. 

Man Arrested After Allegedly Taking and 'Eating' Leg of Person Injured by Train at Accident Scene

You know not to do that, right?

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday