It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the most dangerous shoplifting game, the worst trip into Disney World, and British Woman's invaluable contribution to veterinary medicine.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man accused of hitting Walgreens store manager with Bible on Easter Sunday
The nice thing about convenience stores is that when you need to buy a new pair of headphones at 11:30 p.m. on Easter Sunday, there's going to be one open and stocked with headphones.
This we know for certain.
Where things get murky is how a late-night stop at Walgreens for new headphones turned into an argument with an employee, why Florida Man struck the manager in the face with his Bible when she got involved, or why a violence-prone Florida Man, previously convicted of battery, was carrying a Bible into Walgreens at 11:30 at night.
It is also impossible to ascertain exactly why, after his release from jail on a $5,000 bond, Florida Man then stole a pair of shoes and a box of Cheez-Its from Walmart.
The final mystery is why Florida Man was released on a second bond of just $150 when it's pretty clear his next stop is going to be a Love's, where he'll probably try to steal a bag of beef jerky and somehow end up assaulting a woman with her own purse.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Convenience Store, Crime Spree, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
What Are the Odds?
Florida Man sues Disney after ferry boat crashes into dock, sends him into trash can
I'm no mathematician. In fact, I have trouble reliably spelling "mathematician." But I have been around long enough to have seen a thing or two, and I can tell you with complete assurance that the odds of this happening are approximately eleventy-jillion to one:
As the ferry approached the docking area, it "did not slow down," the lawsuit continued. It wound up striking the dock at an "unsafe and high rate of speed causing passengers to be thrown about." Florida Man said he was thrown into a steel pillar where he hit his neck and head, and eventually fell into a trash can "which prevented him from possibly being thrown overboard."
If Disney were smart, it would just whip out the checkbook right now and offer Florida Man a cool million dollars.
If Disney were brilliant, it would also offer to go double or nothing.
And get it on video next time, OK?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard, Resort/Theme Park.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Is This Why Biden Demolished Our Southern Border?
I Told You So
Florida Man points gun at woman, cracks her car windshield as she tried to merge into traffic
It seems like just earlier this week [Steve, it was earlier this week —editor] that I shared this old gag about Miami drivers: "Dave Barry warned us more than 30 years ago that 'most Miami motorists graduated with honors from the Moammar Gadhafi School of Third-World-Style Driving (motto: 'Death Before Yielding).'"
Yeah, not actually a gag, even if today's example is from Orlando, where Florida Man thought that Florida Woman had cut him off on a highway onramp. Because in Florida, anyone merging in front of you is by definition cutting you off.
So Florida Man did what any of us would do, which is to get out of the car, start smashing Florida Woman's windshield until she gets out of the car with her pepper spray, pull out your pistol in response, have pepper spray sprayed in your general direction, and then get taken into custody by police.
As one does.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida woman is suing Hershey because its Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins aren't as cute as they appear on the wrapper
The struggle is real.
Worst. Shoplifting Game. Ever.
Florida Woman tells police Walmart shoplifting spree was a 'game': 'It's really, really fun'
You know what I hate?
So there's this game I just made up called 21 where you go to Walmart and you load up your cart with a bunch of stuff you want and then you just push it right out the door without paying but the cops can't arrest you because it's only a game and you're not really stealing anything so when the cops show up you can tell them "It was a game I was playing and it's real fun" which is exactly what you say and they're all like "Where's the stuff you stole at?" and you're all like "I didn't steal nothing it's just a game where I put stuff in some random persons car" and so the cops want to see which car and so you show them and you're all like "that's just some random car and it in no way belongs to my boyfriend Bobby" but they search the whole car anyway which does actually belong to your boyfriend Bobby and there's all this other stuff in there like drugs and a scale and stuff so you tell them you and Bobby don't know how that got in there but they arrest you anyway and this game sucks.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Walmart, Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story, Caught on Video, Crime of the Century, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes, Some Wear Flip-Flips
Florida Man, 77, recounts saving his own dog from an alligator's jaws: 'I had my hands in his mouth'
Wow:
"I couldn't watch that creature kill my dog," Art Auwaerter of Moore Haven, Florida, told Fox News Digital.
"I had no choice. I had to do something."
"I jumped on his back, right behind his head, and I grabbed his upper jaws and pulled up to get him to let Rodger go," Auwaerter said.
Auwaerter lives a mostly peaceful life on the banks of the Caloosahatchee River, along with his wife, Terry, and his dog Rodger, a fierce-looking 100-lb. black Italian mastiff.
Art, by the way, is a weightlifting badass who has been with his wife for more than 50 years. Any state would be proud to call all three of them its own.
SCORE: A record-tying five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Naked Truth About the Naked Arsonist
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for a respectable average of 4.6.
Meanwhile, in Great Britain...
"Whoever saves one fluffy hat bobble saves the world entire.” —the Updated Talmud
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking.
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