It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the world's worst getaway, the naked carpet cleaner, and the new King of California.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Half-naked Florida Man claiming he was high on meth breaks into home holding carpet cleaner
When you read that Florida Man was half-naked when he broke into a home holding a carpet cleaner, you figure that the meth made him feel like he HAD TO CLEAN SOMEBODY ELSE'S CARPET RIGHT NOW and that the rest of his clothes would have to wait.
Well, that's what I figured, but the story is woefully incomplete.
So many questions:
- Did Florida Man break in, see the carpet cleaner, and just have to hold it?
- Did Florida Man break in to return a carpet cleaner he'd borrowed?
- Why was he yelling at the homeowner?
- Why was he wearing nothing but a T-shirt?
We'll never know because Florida Man told police he didn’t know what he was doing because he was high on meth.
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what the police didn't say before arresting him.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Dude You OK?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
That's... That's Not At All How That Works
Florida Woman gives insane excuse for why she snatched 3-year-old from his yard: ‘I gave it back!’
Florida Woman snatched a three-year-old kid from his family's fenced-in yard and ran down the street with him. She was spotted by neighbors in the act. They alerted the mom and then chased down Florida Woman who had one helluva story for the police.
Bodycam video captured her rambling, incoherent explanation: “He was outside, he was naked, he was, like, with his shirt, and his…everything was naked. And I asked for the people around to call police, and nobody would call police, and I told the little boy ‘Where’s your mom?’ and he said ‘no,’” she orated.
At one point an officer asks for the location of a “playground” she had mentioned.
“Outside the, the…outside the, um…hotel,” Florida Woman responded.
“I got the little boy, and everyone was like, don’t get the little boy, and I’m like, I gave it back to the mom,” she added. “I gave it back!”
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what the police didn't say. Florida Woman is being held without bond and is up on some serious charges.
Also: "I gave IT back," really? There's her problem right there.
Also also: "Orated," New York Post, really?
SCORE: Likely Story, Police Bodycam, Should Have Taken the L, Instant Karma, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: A Republic, If You Can Keep It
Wait, Wut?
Florida Man Who Lied about Identity Arrested after Forgetting Who He Said He Was
It's a scene Cheech and Chong could have written:
Cop: Sir, I'm going to place you under arrest for possession and driving while impaired.
Cheech or Maybe Chong: Aw, man, I just got out!
Cop: What is your name, sir?
Cheech or Maybe Chong: Um... Dave?
Cop: Dave what?
Cheech or Maybe Chong: Dave's not here, man. <sniggers>
Cop: Your last name, please.
Cheech or Maybe Chong: My name's Dave, uh, Warchowski.
Cop: <taking out notepad> How do you spell that?
Cheech or Maybe Chong: What'd I say my name was again?
Anyway, that's what Florida Man pretty much did after police caught him with a bag — that he claimed was his brother's — filled with drugs.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Mayhem, Likely Story, Outstanding Warrant(s), Impersonation (of Cheech or maybe Chong).
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man refuses to take down giant Trump banners despite $63,000 in fines
Just in case you were wondering how red Florida really is now.
Worst. Escape Attempt. Ever
Florida Woman fled traffic stop with daughter, officer still in SUV
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're cruising around with your daughter in the backseat and maybe you cut someone off at this big intersection because maybe you don't always pay the best attention so this cop pulls you over for it and he's all like "can I see your license and registration" and you're all like "I don't have no license cause they suspended the last time I did something like this" so then the cop makes you get out of the car because he looked you up even without a license and he finds out there's this warrant out for you on that DUI you got so then you're getting all agitated and you wrestle away from that cop and you get right back in the car and you take off and leave all that stupid stuff behind but what you don't know is there's this other cop that got in the backseat to take care of your little girl and he's yelling at you to pull back over and the first cop is chasing you in his car now so you pull over again and they're all like "how could you not notice a cop in the back seat" and you're all like "I dunno maybe because that's not where they put the steering wheel" and now you're back in jail again.
SCORE: Recidivism, Outstanding Warrant(s), Vehicular Mayhem, Fleeing, Police Chase, Domestic Bliss, Criminal Mastermind.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
This is another one of those stories with the internet-transmissible onion fumes:
A young boy is fully embracing the giving spirit of the holiday season by raising money for the family of a police officer killed in a Thursday, Nov. 21 car crash in Palm Beach County, Florida.
Charlie Allsup, 9, recently set up a lemonade stand for the family of Ignacio “Dan” Diaz to raise money for tuition for one of the deceased deputy’s children, according to local NBC affiliate WPTV.
“We're trying to pay off as much of their tuition as possible so that they have one less thing to worry about during this difficult time,” she added regarding the goal of the lemonade stand.
Following Charlie's success, the family revealed the money raised is enough to cover four to five months of tuition for Diaz’s child.
I'd like to give Charlie one point for every glass of lemonade sold, but that would seriously bust the scoring.
SCORE: Five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness — one for each month of tuition. Plus a lifetime's worth of well-wishes to Charlie from Your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit and the whole VIP crew. If you don't mind me speaking for you, that is.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Worst Elon Musk Impersonator EVER
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for a respectable average of 5.4.
It's nice to see Florida Man and Woman didn't stuff themselves full of so much Turkey last week that they couldn't have any other fun.
Meanwhile, in California...
California Man swindles churchgoers and spends the money on luxury cars and thrones
I give you my word as a VodkaPundit: should I ever figure out how to swindle churchgoers out of large sums of money, I won't spend any of it on thrones.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Megan Fox at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
