It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, it's an (almost) All Vehicular Madness/All the Time edition of Florida Man Friday. So, without even tapping the brakes...
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man Smashes Porch Pirate’s Getaway Car With Rental Cybertruck
Florida Man rented a bright green Cybertruck from Turo and, as he was almost home with it, spotted a porch pirate escaping in his own car with Florida Man's package. So he did what any of us would (not) do and drove it like he stole it rather than rented it. The thief found himself and his car crushed between a tree and a Cybertruck.
"About to find out how good TURO’s insurance is," he posted to Facebook. "Turo Insurance is so far handling the case without issue," according to the report, even though he used the rental as an accidental battering ram.
Even when the cause is just, Florida Man.
This one is actually from last month, but it has such a great Christmas season theme that I had to save it for today.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Went Viral, Hold My Beer, plus a bonus point for driving a rental like he stole it.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Literal Gate-Crasher
Florida Man denied entry to USAA building puts on helmet and drives car into facility
Ever wanted to see an insurance agent so badly that you crashed your truck through a gate?
Yeah, me neither.
Florida Man, on the other hand:
Tampa police say Florida Man, 70, went to the guard gate at the USAA office located at 17200 Commerce Park Blvd. shortly before 2:15 p.m. Tuesday and demanded to be let inside.
After the guards refused to let him inside, officers say he put on a helmet, drove recklessly through the USAA parking garage and damaged several fences on the property.
Two people in a marked security SUV tried to block Florida Man in, but police say he intentionally reversed and struck their vehicle to create space.
When officers arrived, they found him on the third floor of the parking garage, where he was taken into custody.
It gets better.
Florida Man's attorney asked for a break on the $15,000 bond but was apparently denied because his "record includes traffic offenses for driving while his license was canceled, suspended, or revoked in 2016."
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, The Elderly, Suspended License (new!), Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and a bonus Safety First! point for putting on a helmet.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Drone Scare (But Were Afraid to Look Up and See)
This Is What Happens When They Ban DDT
Florida Man arrested after allegedly stealing mosquito control truck
One lovely morning last week, Florida Government Worker left his mosquito truck running "while performing routine mosquito activity checks." Florida Man rode up on his e-bike and, for reasons he might not even understand, ditched the e-bike and took off in the mosquito truck.
"Deputies say they followed the truck, and the man continued to drive despite multiple flat tires from deployed stop sticks." After a two-county chase, Florida Man finally gave up in Sanford at the intersection of West 22nd Street and Cedar Ave. Maybe he'd taken care of his mosquito problem.
I get that for legal reasons, we media people have to use "allegedly" all over the place, but this isn't exactly rocket surgery if you'll follow along with this handy flowchart:
- Was the guy driving a mosquito truck?
- Yes.
- Was it his?
- No.
- Did he have permission?
- No.
- He stole it. Unallegedly.
Except I still have to say "allegedly," or our legal department will have a word or three with me.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and while it wasn't a police car or an ambulance, I'm awarding a bonus point for stealing a mosquito truck. And, hell, another one for ditching the e-bike.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man attempting to purchase crack on Craigslist busted by undercover cop who responded to ad
A Rabid Love for Law Enforcement
Florida Woman busted for speeding in school zone bites deputy after drugs found in car
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes maybe you drive a little too fast because maybe you're looking at your iPad and the cops aren't too happy about it because maybe the place where you were going too fast was a school zone so then they pull you over like they're the king of the road or something and they're all like "you're not wearing a seatbelt" but then they get even madder because it turns out your license was suspended back in September and you're all like "it's my license to drive that's suspended not my ability to drive" but they make you get out of the car anyway and that's when they find you've got some weed in the car but you haven't smoked any because it's only eight in the morning and anyway you were on your iPad and you just want to get back to that so you elbow this one cop in the chest to make him let you go but he sticks you in the back of the cruiser instead and when they get to the jail this other cop tries to make you get out but he doesn't even have your iPad so you bite him on the arm and now it's a week before Christmas and you've got no license, no weed, no iPad, and no bail money.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting Arrest, Suspended License, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Hero officers rescue dog from ledge of busy Florida highway bridge
Here's to hoping the publicity this story created helps Myrtle find her forever home.
SCORE: One bonus point to each of the officers for Sheer Awesomeness and one more to Myrtle for being such a good girl during her rescue. That's a total of three.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Stole a Rolls, Made His Own Drive-Thru
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for a lovely holiday season average of 4.6.
Meanwhile, in California...
Bear Attacks on Rolls-Royce Ghost, Mercedes-AMG G63 Actually Man in Bear Suit
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern.
