Today's headline report doesn't sound much like a Florida Man Friday story, but I promise you it is. This week we also have a lesson learned about ankle monitors and how to lose that Teacher of the Year award.
Before we get started, take another look at that AI banner image. Grok keeps getting better every week.
Now then, let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man with ankle monitor tells deputies he can’t go to jail 'because he has a curfew'
"You can't arrest me, I'm on probation," is a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for him.
SPOILER: It did not pay off for Florida Man.
Florida Man came across police investigating a car crash in Winter Haven and decided to stop by and render assistance. I'm kidding, of course. Florida Man dropped by to get in way too close and hector police with questions like, "Yo, what the **** happened?" and "No **** a car crash happened! Who hit who?"
The deputy explained as best he could that the people would be fine and that he really needed to get back to his investigation.
"**** you! You can't tell me what to do!"
The deputy informed Florida Man that he could, indeed, tell him to back away from his investigation and that "he needed to move back or be arrested," as the report put it.
"I'm on an ankle monitor with a curfew... you can't do ****, you can't take me anywhere."
That's not how this works. That's not at all how this works. Florida's new "halo law" makes it a misdemeanor to come within 25 feet of first responders and "impede, threaten, or harass" them.
Florida Man was arrested and charged with violation of probation, interfering with a first responder, and two counts of resisting arrest. "Incessant dumba**ery" is not yet against the law in Florida, but give Gov. Ron DeSantis time.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Probation Violation, Ankle Monitor (new!).
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Now That's How to Report the News
Excuse me for just a moment while I put on my media critic hat. I don't usually wear it during Florida Man Friday, but I just have to say: God bless the New York Post.
This story must have come up in my news feed more than a dozen times but I kept scrolling past because of boring headlines like these:
- Florida man accused of calling for President Trump's assassination on Facebook.
- Florida man accused of making threats against President Trump.
- Florida man charged with making Facebook posts threatening Trump.
Yawn.
But the Post got "drag queen" and "infamous tot mom" in their headline.
Winning!
And this: "A 46-year-old bakery owner, [Florida Man] was arrested Friday on suspicion of making threats against Trump on social media. He was busted during a traffic stop in West Palm Beach — where he also was found with three baggies of cocaine in his pocket, cops said."
If you don't remember who "tot mom" Casey Anthony is, I hesitate to remind you. I'll just say instead that I'm not surprised that a drag queen with an assassination fetish is her friend.
I have not one but two exit questions: That dude's a drag queen? Seriously?
SCORE: Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol, Impersonation, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Now Is the Time for Peace
Teacher of the Year
Florida Principal charged after booze-filled party with 100 teens thrown at her home
Florida Principal (and former third-grade teacher) and another teacher face charges "after a raucous house party where around 100 teens allegedly downed booze was held inside her home." No joke — first responders had to treat a teen who "suffered a medical emergency" from too much booze. Florida Woman saw them arriving and cleverly turned off the outside lights to avoid detection.
Stealth Mode: ACTIVATED.
"Um, no underage teens partying here, nope. Not with all these drunk teens you can't see after I cleverly turned off the outside lights."
The paper reported that Florida Principal wrote to students and parents last year, "Students, families, and staff are very close to my heart, I really enjoy what I do,”
Just a bit too much.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Hide & Seek, Glamor Mugshot, and a first-ever bonus point for Teacher of the Year.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Doctor Finds Florida Man Has Cholesterol Oozing From His Body
Moderation is not Florida Man's style.
For a Good Time (Do Not) Call...
Florida Woman behind bars for shooting at man and falsely accusing him of rape
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you meet this guy after work and he asks you back to his car and the two of you don't hook up or anything and maybe you were arguing but who remembers so he had this gun and you take it and hop out of the car because YOLO and you're all shooting at him through the car and use up all the bullets but you still didn't hit him because I don't know probably gravity or wind or something and he runs off and must have called the cops because they come to see you but you tell them he's the one who shot at you and tried to rape you even but the cops are too helpful and want to take you to one of those rape centers so you're like "Nah I'm good" and they should have let it drop but then they got this video that doesn't show any rape but does show you shooting at the car and so then you're sitting in jail and hoping they don't figure out you're already on probabion for acting as a real estate broker without a license and organized fraud and grand theft and stuff.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Navy veteran gifted brand new home in Jacksonville
Tons of photos at the link and I'm not crying, YOU'RE crying.
I have no idea how to score this one. Gimme a minute.
SCORE: OK, one bonus point each to Navy vet Christopher Bradley, his wife, their two kids, and one dog. And another to Helping a Hero. That seems too, little but anything more would be unfair to Florida Man's regular antics.
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: There Were Drugs in Her Not a Bag Full of Drugs
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 24 points for an average of 4.8 that's a little on the low end, but I still enjoyed this week's selection of reports.
Meanwhile, in Oregon...
Wanted man found naked, arrested by multi-agency SWAT team in Oregon
Nothing like having an entire SWAT team pull you out of a shack with your junk on display.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
