Florida Man Friday: Finally, Another Stolen Police Cruiser Story

Shirtless Florida man steals patrol car, carjacks woman in wild chase

I was just thinking last week that it had been too long since Florida Man stole a police cruiser — you know those are my favorite stories — but I didn't have to wait much longer.

You know when you're trying to arrest a shirtless murder suspect who injured his wife, and you're getting ready to taze him, but then he jumps into your patrol car, and you're standing there like an idiot aiming a taser at the closed door to your cruiser that's about to speed off?

You might not know that shame, but Florida Cop does.

"He just stole my patrol car! He's running northbound lights are on, he tried to take my gun from my holster," the cop/victim can be heard saying in his body cam video. And you can bet the station will be playing that on a loop at this year's Christmas party.

(I have no idea if police or sheriff's departments really show gag reels at their office parties, but I sure like to imagine that they do.)

From there, the dashcam video shows Florida Man pulling over a red SUV, carjacking it, and driving it at over 100 MPH before crashing it and landing upside down.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Stolen Police Car, Vehicular Madness, Impersonation, Police Bodycam, Dashcam, Domestic Bliss, Resisting Arrest, Instant Karma, Should Have Taken the L

TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.

Solid start, Florida Man.

He Knows What He Likes

Florida Man walks out of Ormond Beach liquor shop with 23 bottles of tequila

So often on Florida Man Friday, you look at what Florida Man or Woman got up to and can't help but wonder why.

But when you read that "Volusia County sheriff's deputies said Tuesday they are looking for a man who stole 23 bottles of tequila from a liquor store in Ormond Beach on Valentine's Day," all the pieces fall right into place. He walked right in, loaded up his cart, and walked right back on out. No problemo. 

Details:

The stolen loot netted the suspect one bottle of Reposado Tequila, two bottles of Milagro Silver Tequila, three 1800 Reposado Tequila, one bottle of 1800 Silver Tequila, 16 bottles of Espolon Blanco Tequila, and a $100 red shopping basket.

That's smart, taking the basket. Can you imagine trying to take 23 bottles of tequila to your honey on V-Day in your arms? However, police were able to ID the suspect from the surveillance video, which tells me two things. First, we ought to get an update in the next week or two. Second, this is not Florida Man's first go-around with the police.

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Élan, Surveillance Video, Recidivism, and a one-time bonus point for We Know Exactly What You Were Thinking/Happy Valentine's Day.

RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: Politico Finally Notices That Maybe Bidenomics Wasn't so Great, Ackshully

You Can Probably Guess How This One Will End

Florida Woman with outstanding warrant taunts deputies on social media to arrest her

So the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office posted a photo of Florida Woman on their Facebook page, "asking anyone with information on her whereabouts to contact an investigator because she has an outstanding warrant" for "aggravated battery with a deadly weapon."

Florida Woman herself replied in the comments, "Shidddd [sic], I aint [sic] hard to find. Do ya [sic] job!"

Alachua County Sheriff's Office replied:

Eyyyy [sic] Alizeyh Richardson low key, you ate [sic? I have no idea] that!

Lucky for you, we are use [sic] to those who play "hard to get". Real talk, be our Valentine. Slide into our DM's and we will pick you up in a custom green and white whip. We have jewelry that will fit your wrists perfectly and we have already reserved the best bed and breakfast in town.

See you soon.

There were even various kissy-face and heart emojis.

SCORE: Outstanding Warrant(s), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Hide & Seek, Went Viral, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested for fighting a gas pump

Maybe the pump started it. 

When It's Sleepy Time Down South

Driver passed out at gas pumps wakes up, bites Florida Deputy, K-9

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes maybe you're out driving around with your buddy and a four-year-old girl when you've got to pull over and get some sleep at this gas station and that's where the cops find you but you're getting angry because you can't be driving drunk or anything when you're not even driving so you try and start the car and the cop's all like "that's not happening" which is when you start hitting the cop but then he sics his dog on you so you bite the dog's ear and later you find the smart-ass reporter writes that "Details of the dog’s reaction were not revealed" but anyway you also bite the cop and that's when your buddy grabs the girl and takes off running across the road and makes all these cars slam their brakes but the cops get them real quick and get you in cuffs and then they find all your drugs and guns in the car?

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Fleeing the Scene, Resisting Arrest, Convenience Store, Should Have Taken the L, and a bonus point for actually doing the Man Bites Dog thing.

RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Florida Man says his boxer dog helped scare off 2 coyotes during a walk

My little neighborhood has two things: a lot of dogs (three of them are mine) and a coyote problem. So stories like this one just make me feel good:

Florida man said he encountered two wild coyotes recently while out on a walk with his dog – and credits his dog for helping to scare them away.

Chris Mack told FOX 35 that he was out walking his dog on Wednesday night when two coyotes came out from opposite sides of the Altamonte Springs neighborhood.

How close?

"Close enough for my dog to bulldoze them back into the woods here," he said, pointing to a wooded area near his neighborhood.

He said his dog spotted the first coyote and tried to go after it, pulling him to the ground. That's why he had a scrape on his face, he said.

"He took off with such force, so it kinda took me with him, so I could let go of it," he said.

One last thing: "The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said it was aware of the reported incident. You can report unusual coyote behavior to the FWC."

SCORE: Dangerous Wildlife, plus the usual three bonus points for sheer awesomeness to Chris's boxer — which the story failed to name, shame! — multiplied times two since he was outnumbered by the two coyotes. Good dog.

RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Assault With a Deadly... Neck Massager, I Swear

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 33 points for an outstanding average of 6.6.

If that isn't a record, it's pretty close.

Meanwhile, in New Jersey...

Arrest made after bird store owner shot in face with crossbow in Saddle Brook

The store owner is going to be just fine — aside from some pretty serious emotional trauma — but I have got to know: who brings a crossbow to a bird store?

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.