It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a jewelry heist that's hard to swallow, what not to play with in the backseat of your Lyft, and Georgia Woman's Whataburger caper might have taken away Florida Man's Crown of Shame forever.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man swallows $769K jewelry stolen from Orlando mall
It was almost the perfect crime except for pretty much every detail.
Florida Man showed up at a Tiffany store claiming to represent an Orlando Magic player. Judging by his mugshot, I'm a little surprised anybody at the store believed him enough to pull out a pair of quarter-million-dollar earrings.
Well... they didn't. Florida Man took the earrings by force and then took off in his car — a car without working taillights that was going to get him pulled over, even if he hadn't just been reported by Tiffany for stealing $769,500 worth of jewelry.
Pro Tip: No matter how much I joke about it, leaving the car lights off does not enable "Stealth Mode."
When Florida Man was pulled over, he swallowed "several objects" believed to be the earrings, and after his arrest, "investigators executed a search warrant to locate the stolen property."
They didn't execute the warrant the hard way, which is almost a shame. Just an old-fashioned x-ray. The rest took patience and, one hopes, gloves.
Here's the kicker: "Police said Florida Man's criminal history revealed a similar robbery in 2022 at a Tiffany & Co. store in The Woodlands, Texas, and that he had 48 separate warrants out of Colorado."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Likely Story, Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, Getting Caught Stupidly, Recidivism, Outstanding Warrant(s), Glamor Mugshot, You Hid It WHERE?
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
What a start!
Stop or and I'll Shoot!
Florida Woman faces 22 charges after armed standoff in Walmart parking lot
Florida Woman "accidentally" fired her gun at someone she thought was vandalizing her trailer parked at a local Walmart. She'd locked herself up in there by the time the SWAT team arrived.
While Florida Woman fired multiple times in the direction of the police, she also warned "that there were propane tanks inside her trailer, and that if they shot back, they could explode." That's pretty nifty, holding yourself hostage like that.
The standoff lasted five hours and might have involved a mental health episode. I'm just glad nobody got shot and nothing got blown up.
SCORE: Likely Story, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Stand-Off, Walmart/Target, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Off-Ramps to Nowhere
Please Put Those Away, Sir
Florida Man accused of taking out ‘man bits’ in back of Lyft
Normally, when you hail a Lyft to take you home from Walmart, that's about as exciting as the story gets.
But not when Florida Man is involved.
A young lady Lyft driver picked up Florida Man from a Lakeland Walmart, and he didn't take much time in the backseat before dropping trou. Police said he was "doing something back there that she absolutely, positively did not want him to be doing in her car."
"The self-checkout is back at the store, sir."
Florida Man told police that his "man bits" were uncomfortable and he was just adjusting them.
SCORE: Likely Story, Public Nudity, Recidivism, Walmart/Target, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points
Exit Question: Does the South Park "I thought I was in America" meme ever get old?
Exit Answer: No. No, it does not.
Bonus Florida Headline: There's "a whole pack" of cows! Caller reports interesting sight on West Melbourne road
So That's Why They Call it Smash Fitness
K-9 catches Florida Man accused of carjacking vehicle, crashing it into a fitness center
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes maybe you're a little drunk or on something in one place and you have to get to another place in a hurry so you see this guy with a van in the parking lot of the first place and you figure you should have a van for getting to the other place so you carjack his van and you're speeding to the second place but some idiot put a Smash Fitness gym in between the place where you were and the place you want to get to and you smash right into it which is totally not your fault but you still need to get to that other place so you take off on foot except that for whatever reason somebody called the cops so you hide in some bushes but they brought this dog and you're all like "that dog doesn't even know what I smell like" but somehow the dog finds you anyway and now you aren't at the other place at all but are sitting in some stupid jail?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Surveillance Video, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Steely-Eyed Missile Man
Florida Man claimed he was going to assassinate Trump and shoot missiles at New York
Never ever ever ever go off your meds:
Florida Man allegedly called 911 in Palm Beach County late on February 25 and began making threats.
In a series of calls to 911 operators and later police investigating, Blaxton made a variety of wild claims, allegedly saying, “I need a ride to the airport to be taken to The White House so I can assassinate the president,” according to audio released by police.
“I’m about to launch f***ing missiles to destroy New York,” he said elsewhere. “I’m a Confederate Soldier and I’m getting revenge.”
I can't even imagine being so far off my meds (or even needing them in the first place) that I thought I was a Confederate soldier with missiles aimed at New York.
There weren't any good Florida Hero stories this week, so I'm posting this one without a score in hopes that Florida Man gets the help he needs.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Made Himself a Freelance ICE Agent
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 26 points for a high-scoring average of 6.5.
Bravo, Florida Man and Woman.
Meanwhile, in Georgia...
VIDEO: Authorities in Georgia searching for the 'World's dumbest criminal' pic.twitter.com/93DC5dGuHc
— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) February 27, 2025
Georgia Woman might be the 'world's dumbest criminal'
Oy:
While working at Whataburger in Newnan, Georgia Woman is alleged to have stolen the debit card information from a customer in the drive-thru. After which she used the stolen card information to pay her probation fines and fees with the Coweta County State Court Probation Office. She was on probation from a previous charge of Poss. Of Marijuana (Misd).
In an instant, Georgia Woman went from being in a little bit of trouble to being in a whole lot of trouble, when all she had to do was pay her fines with her own money.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Kevin Downey Jr. at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
