"I tried to teach him everything I know about winning elections. He is too old and incompetent to get it right." Such were the sad words of Russian President Vladimir Putin on hearing that President Biden's attempt to keep Donald Trump off the ballot in Illinois had failed. "It is pathetic. Maine and Colorado? Are maple syrup and pot all he has? Codfish and snowboarders? Can't the United States run an efficient election?"
The evenly divided Illinois State Board of Elections ruled unanimously that the constitutional claim that Trump violated the 14th Amendment had no standing. They also expressed fear that every candidate for dog catcher could end up with a constitutional challenge if their opponent believed they had violated the Delicatessen Act of 1967. If someone is suspected of giving cold-cut slices to the dogs they were trying to catch and didn't read them their Miranda rights, the Board's calendar would be swamped.
As usual, a Republican on the board expressed misgivings. After consulting the Psychic Hotline, she said, “There’s no doubt in my mind” that President Trump committed “insurrection.”
There was no comment from either Republicans or Democrats on whether Trump had violated state health laws by having lint in his belly button. "The yards of quality cotton his shirts are made of are a dead giveaway to his guilt," said one Democrat. "But since he is running unopposed in the upcoming primary, I'll let it pass — for now."
Trump said he had won again bigly. The media “said we are spending $10 million on legal fees in all these cases. Now that’s not bad. But it’s a lie.” He then said he had spent $50 million on legal fees. "The rest of the presidents, you know, Lincoln, Jefferson, all the way back to Washington, you know, they’ve never spent what I've spent. Even all together.”
After defying the election board on the lint charge, he said he would auction off his shirt. It's a great shirt. Quality stitching, believe me, a really good shirt. It’s all cut up, and you’re going to get a piece of it,” he told donors who would contribute $10,000 to his campaign.
The fact-checking site Dopes and its sister site, the Washington Post, claim that Trump overstated his legal fees. They cited illegally released tax returns. New York State Attorney General Letitia James is looking into prosecuting Trump for overstating the fees he paid. She said it harmed the reputation of his attorneys and the entire worldwide legal profession.
In a closing note, this columnist has learned that travel agents for the attorneys challenging Trump on the ballot in what Trump calls the dirty dozen lawsuits (fact check: there are over a dozen state lawsuits) are in collusion. Travel agents for lawyers in Alaska, Arizona, California, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming, Vermont, and Virginia have been colluding not to book rooms at the same posh hotels in Bahamaland where prosecutors from Atlanta are studying their legal briefs.
The key source for this entire article insists, upon the legal advice of his attorneys at Vholes and Keng, “Everything I tell you is not true.” Well, that is a conundrum. But we report, you decide.
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