It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we have the perfect time to buy a cop a (stolen) drink, a new rendition of "Get Me To The Church On Time," and Canada Man's theme-park rampage.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man casually offers officer a vodka spritzer during police chase
Florida Man was enjoying a quiet afternoon of robbing the Spring Lake Market in Highlands County and then circling the store in his black minivan because... I dunno, he's tired of waiting for Shark Week?
For whatever reason, the police arrived and Florida Man sped off on a miles-long chase. At one point, police in one cruiser pulled over to try and flag him down, but, as he drove past, Florida Man slowed down and tried to hand them a Ketel One vodka spritzer out his window.
"I was just going to give you a drink," he said. Eventually, police got stop sticks in place, and that was pretty much that, aside from getting tased and stuff.
"You guys had fun, though, right?" Florida Man asked before getting tased for refusing to get down on the ground.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Tasered, Vehicular Madness, Crime Spree, Élan, Police Bodycam, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Resisting Arrest, Hold My Beer, and one more for Chutzpah because even the proffered drink was stolen.
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points. WOW. Florida Man, I salute you.
I almost wanted to deduct a point for offering a vodka spritzer instead of a proper drink, but I feel like Florida Man worked too hard on this story for me to dismiss his efforts in any way.
Wrong on So Many Levels
Florida Woman poses as ICE agent to kidnap ex-boyfriend’s wife at work
Florida Woman had a t-shirt that said ICE and a sheriff's business card? "I'm convinced!" said almost nobody ever.
And yet, that's all it took for Florida Woman to kidnap her ex-boyfriend's wife from her Panhandle workplace on some kind of immigration issue.
That's when things got weird:
The kidnapped woman said she became suspicious [that's when she became suspicious?] when Battle passed by the sheriff’s office and was making comments about how the woman “now has to suffer the consequences of her husband’s actions,” according to the affidavit.
Battle took the woman to an apartment complex where she said additional ICE agents would be waiting, investigators reported. Battle went into one unit and was “making a lot of noise,” then the kidnapped woman saw her chance and walked to a neighboring apartment, where she knocked on the window and asked to use his phone, she told deputies.
This one is a real head-scratcher. I guarantee you the last person my wife would ever want to spend time with, much less go to jail for — would be any of my exes.
SCORE: Likely Story, Criminal Mastermind, Probation Violation, Domestic Bliss, Impersonation, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Thursday Essay: Our Elites Owe Us More Than a Shrug and a Rewrite
Get Me to the Church on Time Slightly Late
Driver racing Florida Woman to her wedding caught going 105 mph
This story is actually kinda sweet.
Florida Woman was running late to her wedding in Stuart, and so one of her guests might have broken approximately every single speed limit law trying to get her there. He was caught doing over 100 MPH by a police officer in an unmarked car in Port St. Lucie.
More:
"Whose wedding is it?" an officer can be heard saying as he approaches the car.
“It’s mine,” the woman responded.
After asking what time the wedding was — and remarking that the pair was already late — the cop agreed to let them go under one condition.
“Just give me a minute. I’ll let you take her,” the cop told the wedding guest in the driver’s seat. “[But] I’m going to give you a court date. It’s a mandatory court appearance, all right?”
And with that, the officer let them proceed — with a little less haste, one hopes.
Let me give Florida Woman a tip that I hope she never needs because she'll enjoy a lifelong and happy marriage. But it is this: the bride is never late to her wedding. She arrives, like Gandalf, precisely when she means to.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Way to Take the L, Domestic Bliss (for real this time!), plus a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to the friend who took the L for the bride, and another one to the cop who processed the ticket as quickly as with as little fuss as possible so as not to ruin the bride's big day.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: ‘I jumped on its back': Florida Woman recalls how she saved her dog from alligator
Was That Wrong?
Florida Man crashes into light pole after 100 mph chase, caught fleeing on foot
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're out cruising around like you usually do even though you don't have a license but you do have so many tickets that they call you a "habitual offender" or something stupid like that so when the cops see you blow past a stop sign by the Circle K you just floor it because you can't afford any more tickets and you still didn't get one of those license things so you get way up over a hundred trying to get away when you blow past a red light and almost hit this other car and you're all like "I gotta get on the highway" but you hit this lamppost on the on-ramp and you don't just hit the thing but you send it flying but now your car won't run so you take off on foot but this one cop tackles you and the other cops get there and they're all like "that wasn't smart" and "that was dumb" but all you're thinking is that someday you've got to get yourself one of those license things and then it'll be cool.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Suspended License, Police Bodycam, Fleeing the Scene, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Local woman supporting Vietnam veterans; keeping father's legacy alive
Caution: This report contains high levels of internet-transmissible onion fumes.
Michelle Le Chen escaped from Vietnam as a child while her dad was fighting alongside American servicemen.
She has since dedicated her life to supporting those who fought in that war, as well as other veterans.
She spends time with them at our local VA hospital and nursing homes.
Her work was recently recognized by the Port St Lucie chapter of the Vietnam Veterans of America Group.
They presented her with a ‘Lifetime Hero’ award during a special ceremony at Veterans Memorial Park.
Michelle says she does it all in honor of her father.
Michelle said her father, Le Minh Dao, was one of the last Army of the Republic of Vietnam generals still fighting as the South collapsed in 1974 and that he "gave more US Marines time to get the Americans out of Vietnam, and he also gave the South Vietnamese people more time to get out of Vietnam."
While Michelle and her family eventually escaped on their sixth attempt, her father was "tortured, starved, and mentally and physically abused" for the next 17 years in a Communist re-education camp. His release was finally secured in 1992, and he died here in 2020.
“A lot of people misunderstood the Vietnam veterans,” she said at the event. “These are my heroes, my dad, the South Vietnamese, ARVN’s men, and Vietnam veterans are my heroes.”
No points for this one. Just take a moment to appreciate... everything, I guess.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Take the AK-47 Train
So, How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 30 points for what I believe is a record-breaking average of 7.5 FMF points per story.
WOW, again.
Meanwhile, in California...
Naked Canadian wacko arrested at Disneyland after scaring visitors on drugged-up bender
"Sir, that is not the Matterhorn, and nobody wants to ride it."
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Larry O'Connor at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
